haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
