census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
