i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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