So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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