I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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