apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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