'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We need to feng shui this bitch.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
