you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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