My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we made out on top of his cat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
