I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
