uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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