I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
