Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
