Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He did a backflip because drugs
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