overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's rum buckets o'clock
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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