thus making me awesome and them whores
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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