So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
