Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
