John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
