Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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