I seem to have left my pride at pride
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
