Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
