Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
