His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
