Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
