Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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