My Higher Power is John Stamos
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
