We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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