How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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