when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Who died my cat blue again?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
