1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
