I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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