It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize