My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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