We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
