he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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