Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
