life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
