I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
