I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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