We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
