I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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