Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
