if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
