Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
