My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
