Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
