We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
