she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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