you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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