omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
