We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
