well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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