I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
